So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
