Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
