I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
