Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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