Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
