why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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