A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
