We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
