my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Randomize
