I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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