just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
