I'm going to jail i love you
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
you would pick up someone in the library
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Bring me that man meat
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
