I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
