he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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