Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
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