really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize