Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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