He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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