I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize