If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
