I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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