i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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