I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
