Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
