So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
