my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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