I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
