She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Why is your signature on my underwear?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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