hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
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