look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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