Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
