Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
