The maid of honor just puked.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
