So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
