it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
