I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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