so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
