That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize