If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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