I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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