whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
