it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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