Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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