their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
