Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize