and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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