I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
