My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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