Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
