did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
