so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
