My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
