I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
