I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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