Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
